What do you see in this picture?
I see beauty, potential; but inside I feel longing, anxiety, mostly fear.
That’s what I told myself, my clients, my coach, my friends.
After two days of worry and wonder, I finally faced my fear and waded into the ocean.
It was brisk, I expected that. I stepped on something that crunched, that was surprising. I wanted to pick my feet up. Ear plugs, cap, goggles — poised, ready to do their job. I stood there, paralyzed. I finally convinced myself to submerge and push off. My arms turned over much more quickly than usual. And my legs were kicking—I never kick! I kept my eye trained on the vast expanse of blue, breathing every other stroke, periodically stealing glaces of my husband walking along the shore. I tried to stop and float, but relaxing was impossible in the brisk, sloshy surf. Allowing my arms to churn again after 20, maybe 30, strokes I saw a head pop up about 20 feet from me… gasp!
Probably just a seal, I had seen one here two years before. Then I saw a big splash—what was that?
I was once pummeled by waves in Hawaii on a red flag day. A pool lifeguard as soon as I was old enough to get my certification, I knew I wasn’t beach smart, but I never thought I’d need rescue. This day, I did. A naive 20 something, I did not heed the clear warning.
Since that experience, 20 years ago, I’ve been anxious about the ocean. I thought that I had a deep rooted fear due to that single event.
But when I stop and think about it, since then I’ve done a triathlon in Vineyard Sound. Jumped off a boat in Maine. Swam a marathon around Harrington Sound in Bermuda. Played in the surf in Mexico. Done laps around Aquatic Park in San Francisco. Probably a few other events that elude my top of mind memories.
I thought I was giving a voice to my fear. When in fact I was letting fear consume me. I didn’t acknowledge the work I was doing to keep coming back.
Fear is not something that disappears overnight. Especially when there are real risks. It’s something you chip away at, little by little.
If you don’t have opportunity to practice, it takes more energy to summon the courage. But you have it in you. I see it.
I respect the ocean. I am in awe of its force. I would like to understand her better. But I will no longer label it: fear.
On the last day I strode confidently toward the water. It was refreshing. The waves broke at my knees. As I waded further, they broke at my waist, halting my progress. I put on my goggles and watched the waves slosh and splash and imagined myself crossing a channel. There were more breaks, they seemed never ending. I embraced the moment and dunked under. Waded a wee bit further. Picked up my feet, tried to catch a wave. Got pummeled. Found my way upright.
Going in with no expectations, I felt pride in getting wet; playing in the waves. I started the long walk to dry sand. As I looked for my bearings onshore, I realized that I must’ve been caught in a rip tide that carried me 10 yards down the coast.
I chuckled inside, I was afraid of that too.
I look forward to coming back to the Oregon coast and getting to know her better. I look forward to learning more about the ways of the ocean. Study at home, practice when the opportunity presents itself.
When is fear reasonable? When is using the word, “fear”, holding you back? Is it really fear or just uncertainty? Overwhelm? Take the time to analyze it.
Fear, is overcome by chipping away: bit by bit. Just like improving your form: practice by practice. Or completing a marathon swim: stroke by stroke. If you do nothing, nothing is sure to happen. Summon the courage.
Ready to improve your form? I’m hosting a free webinar tomorrow, September 3, 2020! Keep it Simple: The Basics of Efficient Swimming 9AM Pacific/12 PM Eastern.
Want to join a like minded group of limit pushers? I’m launching my Quickstart for Marathon Swimming course on September 10th!
